I knit. And I cook, write, take pictures. All for one low price.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

blogger tells all

I had 2 nightmares this week. Well, 2 that were yarn related, anyway.
One: the one that knitters always ask about: the question, would rescue your stash from a burning building? I had a dream this week about that. I rescued a bin of yarn from a burning building. It was a bin of my sock yarn that I had carefully sorted and counted out for the 52 pair plunge KAL.
Somehow I was at a conference of some sort and we were in a big room up on the teenth floor and somebody yelled Fire! and there was smoke. I put the lid on my sock yarn container and hauled out of there.

Then this morning I woke up very early. Partly due to the cat who was trying to wake us all up so someone would feed her, and partly due to some dream I had. You know the feeling when you wake up and all you're left with is the emotions of that dream, but no images? It was like that. And the big question I was left with when I woke up was: What the hell are you doing anyway? Think you're a designer, are you? Who do you think you are, Annie Modesitt?? Veronik Avery?? Lily Chin? Well, don't get your hopes up, chick. You're just a little nobody who thinks she can knit.

I was so depressed. We have a saying in German that goes something like, "afraid of your own courage" in English. When you realize you have great courage to try something new but then you also realize what a great risk you're taking and how much you could lose.

The reason why I am telling you all this is that after the last post, and after my dreams, I realized (not for the first time, but again), that everything is a construct. I am constructing a blog and give you beautiful pictures and some good solid knitting and some decent writing. All in the hopes that you will keep reading, that we will stay in touch, that we may realize that there is a connection we share.

But there are pitfalls. The pitfall is that I can make this blog anything I want. I am influenced by people like this, and this. I can make it a construct that has very little to do with my life, and what my yard actually looks like and what I am actually knitting.
I can make it what I think people might want to see.

Now hold that thought and apply it to designing. What do I think Interweave or Knitty might want to see? What do I make so they will be interested in it and will accept it and publish it? It's enough to make your (my!) head spin. Keeping the latest yarns and fashions in mind, nay, predict what they will be one year from now...tricky business, I tell you.

Then it dawns on me that I am now talking about other people's constructs. How much do I want to buy into their constructs? How much do I want to lose myself in them just to get a pattern published?

Which gets me right back where I started: me. My roots. My handcrafting roots which run pretty deep.

By day's end, I am slowly getting back to my center, I know what I want, I know what I can make, I know how I will go on. And I decided to let you in on the process, keeping it real, and all that.

And Happy Mother's Day, to all who celebrate!


Anna said...

Do what you love, create what you find is beautiful, and your authenticity will shine through. When I baked for hire long ago, I loved it until I started thinking too much about what others might want instead of what I loved to do. Then it became a burden. Not nearly the same as your beautiful work, but the same feeling in the end.

Happy Mother's Day!

Jody said...

My mother used to say, "But what will the neighbors think or say?" And my reply was always "Who cares? Not me! It's between my and my God." And as long as you are both satisfied, that is what counts! Happy Mother's Day! And btw, you're a great designer (in case you were wondering what someone else thought. LOL!)

Anonymous said...

Happy Mother's Day!


Kristine said...

I know what you mean. When I write my "silly little stories",it's hard not to write what I know Penguin might publish, or Scholastic might publish. The important thing is to write something you want to read, I think, and then others will want to read it. If you design something you want to knit, others will want to, too, and the rewards will come.

Much love to you.

AlisonH said...

One of the hallmarks of being good at something is the all-too-easy tendency to dismiss it as somehow a sham at the beginning. That's when you know you're beginning to be successful at it, because it's a normal reaction. So tell those doubts to take a hike, because I can't wait to see your designs and reach growing over the years!