did you say something?

At the beginning of the year, I swore to myself that I would only post about finished projects here on this blog. No more "this is what I'm working on". A lot of those works in progress didn't get finished (yet), and then I get disappointed with myself and worry that I disappoint you.

I am currently working on a commissioned shawl for Mostly Merino 's Margaret Klein Wilson. She gave me 4 of her sportweight skeins at Rhinebeck last year and I have been plugging away at a top down garter stitch shawl which will be displayed in her booth to show off the yarn.

The other thing I have been working on is writing a book. There. I said it. Knitting the beautiful expanse of the garter stitch shawl has given me ample time to ponder (and stop and write and keep tweaking designs) what I want to say in the book.

So far, what I have is an agent who wants to see a proposal, and the whole thing is still so much up in the air I can barely even grasp it. Some days it feels more real than others. On the days that it feels real, I tell myself that this book will be written whether I can find a publisher or not -- it's that important to me.

Then I try to hold on to the importance of it all, for me, and I tell myself that I can totally do this. I was desperately trying to work it all out that I would do this book and then tell you, in a year or so, "Oh, by the way? I have a book coming out!". I didn't want to jinx myself; disappoint myself or you if it didn't work out in the end. So I've only told very few of you. In the meantime, it was getting harder and harder not to talk about it. Over the weekend (being sick in bed may have helped a little) I've come to realize that I can't do any of it myself. I need you.

It is costing me a huge amount of effort to tell you and to ask you. But I'll need you to tell me that I can do this, I need you to prop me up when I'm too tired from working my job and still have a deadline to fulfill. I need you to be my knitting companions like you've always been, my enablers, my questioners, I need you here with me, my dear friends. Especially when and if I get the rejection letters, I'll need someone to hand me a box of tissues.

I have no clue if there is anything I can ever give you in return, other than my boundless gratitude. Can you deal with that?